Oh. Hello.

It is I, Sara Barron.

I have thus far been presented in that odd, third-person way of websites, but I thought here – on this page – it might be useful to knock against our friend, the fourth wall.

Having done so, I would like to introduce you to The Porn.

And by The Porn I mean My Porn.

And by My Porn I mean a pornographic screenplay I wrote when I was 11.
I did this because I was going through puberty at the time, and doing so seemed more interesting than humping a Pound Puppy, which is what my neighbor Linda used to do.

Because I was 11 at the time, there was a lot about sex that I didn’t understand and, therefore, a lot about The Porn that doesn’t make much sense. For example:

1) I thought an erection means you can’t have sex. I know this because on page 34 (out of 50) I write, “Jim’s erection was now so intense that sex was no longer possible. So Jenny stopped humping him and Frenched him real wildly.”

2) I thought penises were shaped like hooks. I know this because on page 16 I write, “Jenny unhooked himself from his wiener.”

3) I thought that instead of reaching orgasm, people just pee on each other. I know this because I write things like, “Jenny was at her peak of heat, so she peed on Mark.” Or, “Jenny couldn’t take it anymore so she peed on Mark’s face.”

4) I thought that after every time people have sex, they shared a champagne toast. I know this because toward the end of every sexual encounter, there’s a sentence like, “Once Jenny was done peeing, she ran downstairs to get a bottle of champagne.” Or, “Jenny finished humping, and then put her underpants on, and then went and got some champagne and poured it on her boobs.”

The reason I’ve offered up this information about My Porn is that I am nothing if not a woman of limited talents. I am lazy and unfocused. In any given day, I need ample time in which to stalk on Facebook and pull at my arm hair. I need ample time in which to rock in the fetal position while considering the dark side of myself, in specific, and humanity, as a whole. I don’t offer much in the way of productivity or earning potential, and am therefore looking for a quick cash fix. Money earned the easy way, you feel me? And I hold on to the dream – I, TOO, HAVE A DREAM! – that The Porn is my ticket to stardom. I believe that if I build it, they will come. They will find me. Theater producers. Movie producers. Someone. Anyone. They will hear about My Porn, and they will think it a future smash hit, and they will make My Porn a star, and I will get destructively rich.

I am 34 and with limited options. I have to dare to dream.